#7

Only realized that I only come looking for this blog only when I'm sad :( Can't help it that I really want to say something but I don't know how, so here's my 'easel' eh? :P I don't have someone that I really trust, you know, like really trusted to hold on to my secrets. Lol.

Soooo, what is my problem?

Hahahahahahahahaha. Ok dah.

My heart, I guess? Like sometime it want to do this, the next 2 minutes, it want other thing. Sometimes it doesn't feel a thing, like numbbbbbbbbbbbb. Sometimes it feels everything like I am confused whether I am sad, angry or actually happy when something happen. And my reaction towards something sucks too -___- Like my heart and my brain are not synchronized at all. Seriously mayyynnnn. What's happening to me :(

And now,

I just want to escape from everyone in my current life. My family, my four girls are on the exception list ok. It's not because they hurt me or maybe they do, a little but nvm, it's because I really don't contribute much in their life except to be a burden for them all. It's hurt me to be a burden for them. Like if I leave, their life would be better. Their life would be SOOOO much better without me in it. Seriously.

I don't know what to say anymore. Bye.

#6

Nobody really cares if you're hurting. We, ourselves even, don't really cares about others too. If someone is hurting, all we did are "You'll be okay" and just let it pass. We don't care if they get through it, because it is not us in their place. What if we did? We crave for others attention and hope they will do/say something that bring peace to you, instead of the cliche "you'll be okay" kind of sayings. The truth is, we are all selfish. We are. We just too proud of ourselves thinking that we had it worse. Allah ada kata dalam Al-Quran:

 "Setiap manusia akan diuji mengikut apa yang mereka termampu"

Kalau kita rasa Matematik tu senang, pada orang lain benda tu macam beban 10 kg atas bahu. Kalau kita rasa mak ayah gaduh satu malam tu dah macam bencana terbesar, ada orang diuji mak ayah bercerai, dah takda harapan nak bersatu dah.

Kita jangan sesekali fikir orang lain takda rasa sakit. Semua orang ada. Bergantung terhadap apa yang ditunjuk oleh individu itu lah. Kalau dia nak tunjuk, nampaklah. Kalau tidak, jangan ingat dia takda perasaan tu. Mungkin, dia menangis sebelum tidur. Mungkin, dia menangis depan sahabat baiknya. Mungkin, dia tak cukup percayakan kau untuk menangis depan kau? :) Kita taktau. Jangan jadikan alasan "Taktau" untuk kita taknak jaga perasaan orang. Jangan pentingkan diri. Kalau rasa penat nak jaga hati orang, nak ambil berat pasal orang, jangan hairan kenapa orang taknak tau pasal awak langsung. Jangan sakit hati kalau orang buat tak peduli pasal awak. Sebab apa? Kalau kita nak orang buat baik dengan kita, kita DULU yang kena buat baik dengan orang. Kalau semua orang fikir macam ni, insyaAllah, takde orang dengki, iri hati dengan kita. Kalau ada, biarlah. Mungkin kita tak cukup beri perhatian dekat dia :)

#5

I'm sorry if this post might be so depressing, I can't take it anymore.

It hurts when
You want to talk to someone but the walls you built are way up too high, you can't trust anyone, you feel like you might burden them.

It hurts when
you have to pretend none of they said matter.

It hurts when
you have to keep your facial expression straight like what they did doesn't give any impact to you.

It hurts when
you see someone whom you crave their care and attention, are busy giving it to someone else.

It hurts when
the person that you give your care and attention, doesn't really care about you.

It hurts when
people think you're happy (I'm certainly not. But I'm sorry I can't tell it to anyone. I don't know how)

It hurts when
you have to wake up everyday, being positive about everything but at the end of the day, they turn you down.

I am sorry that I am not good enough. I am sorry that I can't be someone that you guys expect me to be. I am sorry I am weak. I am sorry that I am the mistake.  I am sorry that cannot tell you this. I feel strong when nobody knows. But I don't feel good about it. And I cannot tell this to anyone. Because, I am not that strong.